it felt pretty triumphant to mark off my goal for "voice" this year. originally my goal was to finish bound (my rough draft, first book attempt from last year). and i was trying and it felt overwhelming and hard and forced. and there were a couple of plot points that i just couldn't figure out. and then in august i realized there was another story to tell first. i started dreaming and taking notes. and as nano approached and my writer's group decided to sign up for the nanowrimo challenge i took a long time deciding if i should finish bound or start this new story. technically nano is for new stories and after long conversations and debates i decided to write the new story. it was in a perfect play for nano. i had 97 pages (front and back) of handwritten notes, a pretty good outline, and i had written the prologue and one snippet of a scene--to see if i could find the "voice" of the story. so, i changed my goal from finishing bound, to another difficult but related goal of finishing nanowrimo.
and i did it.
and i printed it out yesterday. . .well, most of it, until my toner ran out. and i may have danced around with it, the pages still warm and smelling of hot ink. and i may have opened up my celebration clapping card (you know those greeting cards you can buy that have music, or words or in this case clapping?). i kept it next to my desk and would have it clap for me when i finished most days.
this story. it was about being brave. and it felt right that i should write about it in 2013, just as in 2012 i had written a story about healing. nanowrimo may be a new tradition.
what are my plans for it right now? bronwyn was so excited for me to finish, "i'll read it for class and then when i have to write down who the author is i will be like, 'brook andreoli.'" so, i'll edit it enough for her to read (where it makes sense) and then i may spend next year revising it. i am also tempted to dive into bound and finish it the way i did this draft. even if they aren't perfect and revised i do want stories that are finished.
it was strange to wake up this morning and not being hurrying to the computer to write. there is something certainly to be said about daily.
showing up every day. when it was hard and when it felt easy and right. week four was surprisingly the very hardest week. i had been warned week two would be. but week four i was plagued by self-doubt, not even necessarily about the story, just general feelings of total inadequacy. and as i approached the end, strangely i instead of jubilant energy forward there were a couple of days where i felt frozen and paralyzed and somewhat panicky. but, i kept working and pushing, because if i got more than a day behind i knew it would be impossible to catch up. if anything nanowrimo is an excellent tool in habit-making and discipline--and it worked really well for me because i do really well with public motivation and group effort and in the case of writing it didn't give me time to be paralyzed with perfectionism (which is what killed bound--i can see now if i was forced to write it every day i think i could have worked through the fear and done it).
one goal left. finishing the book of mormon. and bronwyn reminded me of her brilliant idea, listening to it while she cleans. tada! that is the only way i will finish it by the end of the year. and then the fun of planning out next year. . .