every once in a while, i pause and out loud ask if God can take a picture for me--so i can see it later in heaven.
"this is one." i say, during unexpected perfect moments. sometimes I might squeeze my eyes shut trying to remember it myself, but often i turn it over to god, knowing I won't be able to keep that one in mind forever, so i glance toward heaven, as if that, coupled with my plea will record the moment, for later.
this morning, i had one of those moments. my hands were full of blue silk ties, and a almost-eight-year-old boys shoulders. i knew leaving to grab my camera would ruin the moment, but i sure wanted a recollection of that very soul-filling moment, of our entire family, together looking in a large mirror in my yellow-painted entryway.
i was putting on skyler's clip-on tie that matched his new easter outfit. tim was next to me, slipping davis' first real tie under his collar, and bronwyn was between us laughing and watching. we were all there together in that mirror, coordinated in our corals and blues (thanks to a long searching afternoon with a final shopping miracle). we were all together, exactly where we needed to be. perhaps all made possible, in part, by my up-til-midnight finding errant belts, and laying out each outfit on the brown leather couch in the front room, minus davis' shoes which required some praying and digging in a jammie shelf to find. i wish that little moment in the mirror could have been recorded forever in photographs and scrapbooks.
i did record bronwyn and tim's musical duet debut today and i probably will listen to it on repeat a thousand times or so.
they were actually supposed to sing a duet together for the christmas program, a verse of silent night--in italian. due to a miscomunication or a literal last minute change (tim didn't know he had been cut from the duet until i arrived at the church to meet my parents who were coming to watch them and bronwyn was crying that their duet had been changed to her singing a solo verse of silent night in english--which she didn't have memorized). i was in shock, but i remember i had a moment kneeling down next to her in the church foyer, minutes before the meeting started. i reminded her of our experience at the newport temple for her birthday. it was planned that all of tim's california family would be there that day in the temple together. but, when i called all the reservations were filled. i begged until they squeezed in one birthday girl and her parents, but not her extended family. i remember i had a choice to fall-apart--my go-to reaction, or turn it over to a different, potentially better plan. and that day truly was perfect. to use a cliche phrase, bless her heart, bronwyn went in and sang that song and tim handled the entire situation really well.
as i watched them sing their duet today, from the pew, that memory of the cancelled duet came back to me. this was even better than that. AND the reason they had been asked to sing for easter, was due to the christmas program karfluffle. did that happen because they were 'meant' to sing today, or was it just an example of how any situation can be 'redeemed' and at times made into something even greater. sometimes we just need to give it the turning of a season (or two or twenty).
i am truly grateful in this easter season for my redeemer. how many of my own situations have i been able to see 'redeemed' in the past years. this was another mini-testimony that there is always something good coming, even if it can't be seen and to TRUST. to unwind. to release my fists. to sit back in my pew and enjoy.
even in the past week, i feel something shifting and changing in me. perhaps a result of a million little things, but certainly the recent meditations and guided imagery meditations i have been diligently doing for three weeks.
i've been hoping that i could change my personal 'set point.' i realized that my 'set point' is kinda just 'stressed.' i wake up. stressed. i think of housework. stressed. i think of the kids' homework. stressed. i work on my church calling. stressed. i go to bed. stressed. i imagine the things i want to accomplished. stressed. it was a break-through when i realized that 'stress' has kinda been driving my plane for YEARS and that didn't need to be the case.
what if i could imagine my calling as growth? or my to-do list as simply a list with no power to detonate and explode me.
the second break-through i had was the thought of asking, "what would my highest self do?" BAM. that broke through something big inside. so, this last week i've been asking her, as if she were a little separate from me. "hey, highest self, what would you do about this conference i signed up to attend?" "what would you do about these easter outfits i'm trying to buy?" "what would you do about these boys who already changed and won't change back into their suits for pictures?" "what would you do about. . .?" and it's been great to take just a moment of stillness and ask her. i've been surprised at her answers. my highest self isn't always calling me to push and be more. often she is saying, rest. or you don't need that. or be firm. or be gentle. but her answer has never been, "just stress about it a little."
i'm trying to get a more clear picture of what she looks like, perhaps once a long time ago, i asked God something similar to my question today. "hey, save a picture of this, so i can get a glimpse of it on the other side." maybe i knew i might forget her. me. but, that someday i might learn to be still and remember.
and i hope i don't wait until heaven to realize which 'pictures' in my life were the ones worth remembering.