butterflies (previous post on butterflies: here).
"Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. The new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable and open."--Stephen Russell
i had a really amazing experience in sacrament meeting on sunday. so, it took me a long time, and it wasn't until recently until i knew what the atonement felt like. sure, i knew what the spirit felt like. but the atonement was just kind of a big word that was out there for me. until i began to use it, access it, and recognize it for what it was. i won't go in to the particulars but i felt the atonement wash over me in sacrament, after a sweet baby blessing, and i felt inside the cleansing and healing and filling.
and i might have tried to share a bit of that in relief society during testimonies. our relief society president had asked the presidency, if we felt so touched, that we would bare our testimonies after her lesson.
i did. and i ugly cried. and i was also trying to hurry, because i knew there wasn't a lot of time for testimonies and i didn't want to take up all the time as the presidency. and i hadn't really processed the experience yet myself and there i was in front of the microphone processing it in public, with my ugly cry.
and i felt totally vulnerable. and i've probably replayed it in my head a gazillion times. i keep trying to stop myself and replace the thoughts with gratitude for the actual experience that i was trying to bear testimony of.
and people, this is the great brook-delimna, i find myself in again and again. share. overshare. go home and quiver in embarrasement. sometimes feel validated later by someone who thanks me for sharing. share again.
but i hope that in being vulnerable that i will open myself up to new experiences and new connections.
i have listened to this song now about a gazillion times since finding it on monday. and it pretty much nails a theme song for my novel project--and of course also ressonates with me as well. "always trying to find a safer place to hide. always felt i was protecting my heart and mind, heart and mind. but it seems like to really feel alive i cannot hide my heart and mind."
so, i'm pouring out my heart and mind in the form of 1, 667 words a day. this one is for me. letting it all out--without any thought of any one reading it. just trying to make it as me as possible.
and right now, this first week, it's magical.
butterflies, of the right variety.