(this was written last month)
yesterday i had a chance to use all my tools.
i have been nervous about ward temple day since it was announced three months ago.
as you remember, i may have had a little anxiety around the endowment session.
but then i was so brave.
and i felt certainly that meant i had conquered everything.
then why the entire week was i so nervous?
i decided i would just walk around temple square and help the youth with the baptisms.
but the day of tim and i decided to go to a session and we went before our scheduled ward times (so we could be finished in time to help with the youth).
i was being brave and feeling brave-ish.
until tim leaned over as we were waiting for the session and said, "so should i gently decline if we are asked to be a witness couple?"
and i froze with horror and was close to telling him to sit far away from me so it would not be known we were a couple.
but there was already a couple chosen in the front. so i relaxed-ish.
and then that couple moved seats and we saw a nice looking man approaching us.
he asked if we would be willing to be the witness couple.
i just looked at him with HUGE eyes and heard tim from my side say, "yes."
i guess if you are jumping off you might as well jump off big and not just get your toes wet.
live sessions and all.
and as i sat there looking across at tim in the creation room i laughed a little bit to myself.
this is what i had asked for.
if only i could sit by tim and he could hold my hand through this session i had thought, i think i would be okay.
well, that is about as close as you can get in a session.
as he took my hand several times through the session and we sat across from one another.
and i laughed again a bit to myself as i had prayed that i would have a deeper understanding and connection with eve.
my prayers being answered even as i was praying to get through the way they were being answered.
and i did it. i made it.
in the world room, i thought of daughter of the forest. and as i sat in the plush chairs i imagined that in that moment i was weaving my starwort. doing something really difficult for me in service of another. i thought of the small sacrifices that i was laying on the altar (something i may not have thought of if i hadn't been given the opportunity to be a witness couple).
could i sacrifice my anxiety on the altar?
and what exactly did that mean?
being scared, but doing it any way?
the man who asked us to be the witness couple said, "thank you for your willingness to serve."
and i thought about that.
my willingness.
i didn't feel so willing. and perhaps that is why it was great to have tim next to me who was. pushing me just a bit out of my comfort zone (miles out). again, this would not at all have been out of my comfort zone three years ago.
and most of this week i felt terrible about myself. i haven't felt depressed in years (anxiety, yes). but i felt really down this week. super tired. loss of apetitie. crying. no desire to meditate. very down. and i think most of it was about this trip. feeling like i couldn't do it. which almost felt worse, because i had felt i had conqured it a month ago. and i totally let doubt and fear back in wondering if i could do it again.
and this morning i woke up early and was excited to meditate again and so hungry and happy.
and i felt like i was a rockstar.
i felt so much better about myself, having pushed myself a bit and having a triumphant experience.
and as i checked my familysearch history, since i started temple work in march we have done over 408 individual ordinances (not names, ordinances). i am thankful for all the ward members who have helped.
it really was a great experience being there and seeing familiar faces.
and
the salt lake city temple is truly magnificent.
i absolutely fell in love with it.
as i sat in the beautiful mural-ed rooms i thought of my third-great grandfather c.c.a. christensen (who pained murals in the st. george and manti temples).
i said little prayers inviting any ancestors who wanted to be a part to be there during the session. i thought particuarly of c.c.a.. this morning i researched a bit about the murals painted in the salt lake temple, wondering if he had helped. i read that the "world room" was painted in part by one of c.c.a. christensen's good friend, danquart weggeland. weggeland met c.c.a. while weggeland was investigating the church in scandinavia and they worked throughout their life on projects together.
otto olsen (my second great-grandfather). this painting is an original danquart anthon weggeland. my great-aunt dora had it in her basement and it was given to my grandfather after her death. he had it framed and it hangs above his lazy-boy. gotta love the mustache.
otto olsen's house in ehpriam, utah (standing with my grandpa and dad).
c.c.a. and weggeland are currently featured in an exhibit on temple square and i was so sad we didn't get to go yesterday. but i realized this morning i got to see some of weggeland's greatest work in the temple yesterday. see, all the intents of my prayers being answered--just in very different ways than i imagined.
so, as i said, yesterday i used most of my tools in the morning, on the way to the temple and at the temple.
meditation.
prayer.
essential oils.
detox baths.
gratitude.
family history.
mantras.
deep breathing.
herbs.
visualization.
writing.
and this is why i am offering gratiude for my anxiety today. without its storm i would not have sent down deep roots to learn how to survive it. and i would literally not have the same friends if i had not been forced out of my comfort zone to learn the tools i needed to.
and if, in any part, this trial of mine led me to family history work, well, that is a redemptive perspective i certainly can be thankful for. and i can willingly offer that (my anxiety) up on the altar.