a few weeks ago i yelled at the kids.
and it felt like an ill-fitting sweater.
it was almost like i was standing outside of myself saying, "really brook?"
this habit didn't quite feel right any more. it no longer seemed like me.
my temper/frustration/anger is something i've been working on for years.
fasting.
praying.
trying.
and cycling through again.
i felt like most of the time i bumped along just fine, but then something might happen and BOOM i would snap and it was like a 1-10 in under a minute.
not pretty.
frankly, i hated it about myself.
but, it almost felt out of my control.
so, that ill-fitting sweater moment was a moment of triumph.
not something on a vision board, or a checklist.
a constant, daily, wish-i-could-do-better-working-hard-and-always-feel-like-i'm-failing until one day i noticed a huge shift triumphant moment.
i've been thinking about that moment a lot.
and what shifted. i want to lay my finger on the exact 'it' so i can know what changed and guard that process.
the 'it' i know is the atonement. no doubt. that sweeping, clearing, warming, that fills me right now as i write about it.
but, i've prayed for this for years. on my knees fast sunday after fast sunday. what changed?
first, i used to believe that prayer and fasting was kind of this 'out there' power that just fixed things. i think that is the case sometimes, but more and more i realize i pray and get a feeling to read a book. talk with a friend. find a blog post. attend a class. i fast, and once thought i would get up off my knees and all anger would just 'magically' be gone. no, again, i am led to something. and then i practice that. and then something else and i implement that. frankly, i always want the magic. WAY easier. but, i also wonder in our learning and growing if it is an opportunity to grow more and more connections to people.
this is something i've been working (very consciously on) for at least three years and here are some of the things i've been thinking about that have helped me.
i'm brainstorming here:
tool one:
i know something big shifted after i listened to brene brown's "power of vulnerability." it clicked with me right and left. mind exploding clicks. i was kind of consumed by shame gremlins. brene talks about if we are in a place of shame in a particular moment that we are not fit to be around anyone. i kind of think that was a major source of me 'losing it.' i would be in an incredible place of shame over a random shame trigger (see previous post on shame gremlins) and then while in that place of not good enough i was feeling so, so down and awful and worthless and it was like a monster consumed me and i would snap out at whoever was around.
it's hard to write. because i know it was awful for my family. i knew it and i wanted to change it, but i felt powerless with my intentions.
having that simple power of understanding my shame gremlins was a HUGE moment for me. i could step back a bit and identify, "okay, this is a shame gremlin. this isn't even real. i can call it out. and walk away from it and it will lose it's power. also, i might need to literally walk away from every single person around me while i am in this shame moment."
i think this relates to an idea i posted previously about anger often being linked to lies--either lies we are told or we tell ourself. it shifted my thinking too when i realized anger did not necessarily equal bad--which i had always believed. if we do bad things with our anger, then yes, of course that is unhealthy. but, if anger raises--it might be a red flag--potentially even warning us about a lie or a situation that needs to change. for that, anger will ever be my friend, because it flared at the appropriate times. i just didn't have the skills to know that it was and what its purpose was.
my friend lani posted her brilliant talk that relates to this subject here (also she has some awesome FIERCE art linked to her post from revelation):
"As I battled to overcome my anxiety and depression, I realized that I was, in essence, feasting upon the words of Satan every single day. I was swallowing the deluge of lies he was spewing at me. I was taking his words and making them my own words. I was thinking those words over and over and saying them out loud. I love what the book of Revelation says about overcoming the dragon. His weapons are lies, so it is the Truth that will defeat him and set us free. . .Coming to understand this truth changed my life forever. I already knew that words were powerful, but I had been so beaten down by the darkness that I forgot what I already knew. As I re-learned this principle, I gained unshaken faith in the power of the word of God, spoken out loud. When we speak lies, the dragon’s hold on us it tightened. When we speak the Truth, the dragon’s power is weakened. But what words of Truth are the most powerful and “sharpest” in conquering the dragon’s flood of lies?"
What we put after those two words are really powerful--for good or bad in our lives.
tool two:
slowing down in general has been huge for me. the line often runs through my head from elder f. enzio busche amazing devotional "Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words." There is a picture of a mom running toward the bus that accompanies that slide. frankly, if i have too much to do it is a set-up for a personal freak-out. i think there are times in our lives when "too much" is almost unavoidable. but, i am learning more and more personally that there is "so much" that i truly can take off my plate.
this morning, before i was really awake, i was thinking that if i was really a super-awesome-person i would wake up early so that i could "do ALL things." i thought about my post yesterday and realized some of the things i really could do if i just dedicated more time and sacrifice. SACRIFICE. and then the most amazing awesomeness dawned on me--i was sacrificing. just in the opposite way. in the way that may be counter-culture, or counter-type-a, that honestly almost feels wrong to me. i realized i was sacrificing all that extra stuff i could do, to spend that essential extra hour in bed. that was my sacrifice, so that i could be a more put-together mom, wife and person. i thought of the list of things i could do that i sacrifice, so that i can remain less explosive:). i'm still mulling this one over.
tool three:
i know i've mentioned it a million times. but the best therapy i could have bought was $11.99 on amazon and came in two days. the artist's way really helped me deal with some deep issues:) that were festering and creating a lot of anger.
my unexpressed creative energy had become malignant and i had a lot of underlying lies about my own creativity that the artist's way helped me identify and combat. now, i try not to hesitate when i need to reach for a creative outlet, knowing it is essential to my well-being and my family's.
there has also been something insanely, crazy healing for me through sharing my story with readers. it wasn't something i expected in any way. i think it is a combination of putting my soul out there and realizing it was okay--people still loved me, they weren't afraid of me after reading the inner working of my brain and to have some experiences of some deep discussions and personal applications for other's lives has kind of been close to magic for me. it also has been a gift to have an excuse to talk to some of my favorite people in the world and that connection has also been important and healing for me (thanks guys!).
tool four:
not numbing or 'wasting' time on social media. this is still a balance i'm working on. but 'unhooking' has allowed me to be more present and less anxious about everything that is happening everywhere all the time. i am a self-proclaimed highly sensitive person and it is just too much input for me. it was also good that i recognized i was using it as a 'numbing' thing. when i got anxious or had hard feelings to deal with i might scroll through instagram one more time. which had me not addressing the underlying issue and adding on more input in an already over-inputted situation. i also feel like it is easier for me to become less angry, if i am more plugged in to my children's faces.
other tools: there are other tools that i have talked about before. meditation, scriptures, prayer, omegas, limited sugar, etc. i'm always curious what the magic combination is.
but i think it boils down to this
this. this. this. this is the thing that must penetrate and work it's way through me until i AM it. it is not longer a hope or belief but a who i am to the core understanding.