indulgent selfie and post warning:
most days i feel like an inept housekeeper.
not just like that is part of my identity
but that is all of my identity.
i rarely file papers.
there always seems to be a pot in the sink.
the whites might not be finished
and there is always a laundry basket or two to be folded
and inexplicable stuff on the walls that need to be cleaned.
and no matter how much time i spend one day
it will be
poof
gone the next.
so basically, most days i feel like i do
nothing,
nothing,
nothing.
and that can quickly turn into feeling like i am
nothing
nothing
nothing.
and i think what frustrates me is that i used to feel like i was
something.
i thought i was going to do some really awesome things in the world.
i had some pretty big dreams.
and i traded them
for a dream that i hoped would be bigger,
more important.
but when your kids yell at you
and you stare at your feelings of
nothing
on a monday morning
and feel like the only thing anyone sees are the things
undone
it feels like i am
nothing.
i gave it all up
to do this
and yet,
most days i feel
completely unsuccessful.
my measuring stick the pile of things
undone
and
forgotten
again.
this weekend i was reminded of one of my very, very favorite teachers.
and for a moment i sat and wondered what that path would have been like, looked like.
and then a tiny part of me came alive and i imagined what it would be like
to do a bit of that.
and then i couldn't even manage dinner or coordinate family prayer
and i felt sad with my lack of abilities
and the fact that i couldn't do it all.
but, i want to.
and that's sometimes the thing that rubs.
and i also feel like i would have been
better
so much better
at the other.
and i re-read this letter when someone believed in me
as his very best student,
instead of the very worst housekeeper--
a job i would have never chosen
that i stink at.
and i yelled at all my kids,
again,
and felt like i pretty much stink at motherhood too.
and now it's time to transfer the whites to the dryer
and pretend i won't have to do it again tomorrow.