And Time stood still.
The fireworks were sounding in approach of the New Year and I only heard them in the background. Our family was together, and awake, but not in anticipation of a countdown. Last night we were counting backwards. We were looking through boxes of photos, scraps of elementary school reports, and hand drawn silhouettes. It almost seemed inconsiderate of time to continue into 2014 as I held wallet sized soccer photos of Steven, that looked so much, too much like my two boys. It seemed that time should freeze as we looked through Steven's clothes, hoping to smell his cologne still there. Later, as I worked on the computer, I saw our Christmas card, that had finally arrived to Dale and Lynett's that day, on the desk. I still had a stack of undelivered and unsent cards at home, when time had marched too quickly through the holiday season. . . Now I felt they would remain unsent--the hashtag "best year" seemed too bright and happy, almost mocking in its declaration.
Each year I choose a "word of the year." Several months ago the word "daily" began to whisper to me. But as the end of the year came closer I started to reconsider. "Daily" seemed so ordinary. . .and well, like a lot of work. I hadn't committed to the word, even when I put two hourglass jars on display in my bedroom, to remind me, of the opportunity in each day.
Our 2013 Christmas card was a snapshot of our days. Not the portrait perfect one with painstakingly coordinated outfits, and happy smiles to conceal the stress that most often accompanies family picture day. My pictures weren't even straight, but it was either spend another hour making them perfect or send them to the printer before our family vacation. I gulped and embraced imperfection, because it was kind of beautiful.
On the start of this new year, this new day, Sklyer, pajama-clad (as usual), climbed into my lap and asked, "What do you do in heaven?" I smiled and paused and then answered, "You spend time with your family." "That's it?" he asked. He seemed a little disappointed, perhaps because it seemed a little ordinary (and maybe, like a bit of work).
AND I knew then, "daily" seemed to be the perfect word for an imperfect, but beautiful life. As I looked at my card again, on this start of the New Year, I saw it with new eyes. I saw the sunflower from my grandpa's garden and think of Steven. AND in the center,the sun shining behind the Salt Lake Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint (Mormon) temple and our beautiful daughter, Bronwyn. My 2013 word of the year was "light"--and it seems that there is no better symbol than that picture. I am so grateful for the light and knowledge I have of my heavenly family. We are all so grateful for the assurance that we will be with Steven again. There is nothing more ordinary, or extraordinary about our families and the time, each day we have to spend with them.
An inspiring author, Donald Miller, shared a tool as we plan our days. A simple question to ask ourselves BEFORE we begin our day. "If I could live today over again I'd. . ." Miller said, "Most people wake up worried about all the stuff they have to get done, but you think about what you'd do differently if you pretend you're living today over again, you'll find yourself realizing most of the stuff you worry about isn't worth it and instead add more relational elements in your life." As I think about that question, the crooked lines on my card don't seem so important but the relationships within those pictures do.
So, today, the first day of my year of living "daily" I ask myself the question, "If I could live it over again. . ." AND, my answer? I would spend time to be still. Time to hear the comfort of the hundreds praying, thinking about and serving our family. I would take time to comfort my children and not worry so much about what we are packing. I would turn over my hourglasses and see that running sand as a precious gift. I would look at the long drive as a blessing, because my whole world will be in that car with me. I would hold Tim's hand as we drove and laugh at every single one of his jokes (because his are just as funny as Steven's). AND, I myself would pray, to comfort those who are mourning Steven's death. I think that is what I will do toDAY