a cairn that davis made while we were deer hunting with grandpa chad.
i watched this great TED talk by lissa rankin, MD about cairns, and self-healing.
the top rock, is your body, and you can see the shifts from the other rocks manifest in it. but often it isn't what is really wrong with the body, it is the big rocks underneath--our spirit, mental health, creativity, relationships, and our inner pilot light.
i dont' believe any amount of raw foods and exercise could have healed me, although they certainly helped and put me on the right path to healing. but i know i had some pretty big underlying rocks underneath that needed to be healed.
part of that healing, was as i said in another post, catching a "glimpse" of myself. and that glimpse i saw was more beautiful than anything i have ever imagined. pure light. and my body, my weaknesses, the habits and fears i had built up around me, looked like a gray, lifeless covering in comparison that sloughed off as i focused on my radiant self.
that is what meditation is. a daily communion, where we see ourselves. where we commune with God and catch a glimpse.
after seeing myself, i couldn't think of a more powerful tool that satan could use than to cover that up. to make me doubt myself to stop me from my passion, my callings, my true selves--because that true self is a force to be reckoned with.
but we work with glimpses and whispers. and we have to take the time to see and hear. to connect.
idaho retreat with felice (i wasn't there but LOVE this photo by Mandy Van Etten Williams--her lovely canvas of the SLC temple with POPPIES! here).
"when we let our true self be seen, when we let our inner pilot light radiate, we heal from the inside out." --lissa rankin
can't you just see and feel that statement from the picture above? when i look at felice, the teacher, i automatically close my eyes and take a deep breath and i can immediately put myself in that meditative safe and calm place. because i have been practicing it, now for almost a year.
kundalini yoga and meditation saved my life. it helped me heal from the inside out (or i should say is helping me heal). faster than i thought possible.
there is a great affirmation in felice's parenting affirmations that says something like, "i am grateful for my children who bring up unhealed parts of me." sometimes, if i can take a moment to step back when some billowing anger or frustration, stress or fears comes up i can see it is an unhealed part of me that is coming up to the top of pile of rocks and it is a chance for me to face it and deal with it. sometimes i have to sit with it for awhile and see what the trigger was. most often it is an untruth. it is a lie i have belieived, most often about myself or sometimes about others. and most of the lies sounded something like, "i am not good enough." i can't think of anything more strangling and soul sucking. but sadly, i've told those lies to myself too many times.
and the great thing with kundalini yoga--you don't have to even know all your "suff" or figure it all out. you do the work and the stuff gets healed and you keep moving forward.
one breath at a time.
did i tell you about the time i went to a regular yoga class and when they slid those big barn doors closed i spent the next hour trying not to have a panic attack--while spending money to feel calm. it was awesome. but at the end of the class i talked to the teacher, outside in the hallway, where the doors were open;). and told her i coudln't breathe properly. from my belly.
and she said, "that is great."
and i looked at her, confused.
and she said, "now is a chance for you to find your breath."
i may have thought she was slightly crazy, but very deep.
but this year i found my breath.
and breath is life.
and my anxiety had stolen a lot of that from me.
made me scared to particpate in life.
and i got it back.
boo yah.